Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
