i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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