when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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