I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
