My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
