We're facebook friends in real life
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
