My first STD was from a foam party
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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