Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize