i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you will always have a special place in my vag
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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