Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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