If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize
