I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
should my penis look like a turkey
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
