Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
