I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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