Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
