textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
