I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
