Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
