wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
