My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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