nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
