It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
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