I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
