Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
