I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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