I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
