I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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