My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
