She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
