just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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