Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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