oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
