I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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