yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
