I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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