Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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