I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
No subtext here. People are naked.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
