'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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