remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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