Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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