he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
