My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
