I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
