my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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