I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
what do you have against ST
DO NOT ABBREVIATE LIKE YOU AND STAR TREK ARE FRIENDS.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
