hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
