1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
