Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
