I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
