You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
