New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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