This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Randomize