i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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