Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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