i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
