The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
