It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
