I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
