Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize