Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
