Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
