I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
